It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
