Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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