someone get that fucking seahorse.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
