I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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