i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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