i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My ATM looks so different sober.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
