i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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