I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
FUCK WHALES
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
