I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
