I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there's paper in my vomit.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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