Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
