Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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