have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
