my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You have to summon your inner elephant
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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