He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
