you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
