dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My balls are so social today.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
