is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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