twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
