im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
