there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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