i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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