new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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