Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
