cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
