I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
