Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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