I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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