im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
