Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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