we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
whose parrot is this?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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