My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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