I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
