Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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