I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
this just has baby written all over it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
