he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
