'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
