The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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