Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
