Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
