I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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