I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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