this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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