so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
