I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
COCAINE IS GR8
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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