Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
