allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
