I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
