i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
