I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
